Certainly Uncertain

Comparison is a game that cheats. I keep trying to play it well, but I end up losing every time.

I wrongly focus on myself and how I perform for and look to others. I become my own judge. And I am never satisfied.

It’s a simple task to reduce the standards until my present performance bests them. Stacking the deck comes naturally when I keep dealing to myself.

But it goes nowhere. And we know this, right?

What’s the point of the comparisons if not to feel better about myself? In this sense it’s just a substitute drug that will wear out by tomorrow.

The decay will be less acute but no less severe than the addiction that brought me to a point of surrender.

And speaking of that, what have I surrendered if I’m still clawing for a way to feel better about myself from my own performance?

I’ve got to go all in. And it’s scary. And it’s uncomfortable. Because I’m weak and curiously unwilling.

God, I want to give you all of me. Help my uncertainty.