I'm the Holdup

It sucks having to own up to things.

As addiction consumed the greater parts of my life, I could easily identify with the beginnings of passages like this. I was acutely aware of my loneliness, distress and trouble. It was a natural response to pray for them to be removed.

The issue was that I wanted them vanquished. I didn’t want them standing in the way of having a good time. I viewed them not as warning mechanisms but as deficiencies.

And I darn sure didn’t read further to see lines about my own sin.

But when I wound up in the rooms of AA, I was confronted with similar tales on the same theme like, “when I am disturbed, there’s something wrong with me”.

That something is at the root of my using and inability to sober up on my own.

It’s the incessant desire of self-sufficiency and self-importance and a dozen other self-centered holdups.

Because God welcomes our petitions and desires our joy, but he also knows the pitfalls that are in the way have to be removed.

And usually I’m tripping over my own two desires-to feel good and to do what I want.

I must root out the underlying sin, or if you prefer, the underlying defects of character that are blocking me from knowing him and being in fellowship with others better.

God, give me eyes to see and willingness to confess my shortcomings.