Poisoned

TRUTH

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Proverbs‬ ‭1‬:‭7

REFLECTION

Now today, this verse reads more like an obvious slap in the face than the woe-is-man directive that I used to assume was its intention.

We get a shock to our system at some point in our addiction—usually more than once.

It’s that realization of how small we are, even though we try to build ourselves up as the central theme of our lives.

For me, these moments would come very late or very early—when the fumes were decaying or before the onset of another day of aimlessness.

They did not arrest me. They scared me. They did not give me a way out for a while because I’d run from them when they cropped up.

That’s the silly thing about reality. For so long we are intimidated by it and look for remedies to our feelings so that we can live in it.

When we finally find the anesthetizing fuel to live contentedly, we flee from the reality we thought we wanted.

Retreating into our den of self-satisfaction, our ears grow numb to the truth.

Hopefully it hits us at moments of clarity, though. I was too timid for a full retreat—that takes a dark abandon that I never fully reached.

And so, when in a rare state of openness I took an honest assessment of my addiction, I found that I was right smack in the middle of the beginning of the fear of God.

Fear was the prevalent emotion. I had just enough salience of mind to partition some of it to Him rather than just my own skin.

I’d been living recklessly. I was ready to accept help. But before I could receive it, I had to ask for it.

God, help me ask for the help I know I need.

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NEXT

When you’re ready, here are some tools for you:

1. Book List (amazon link)
   Some of my favorite reads related to recovery and/or wrestling with faith.

2. 4th Step Guide (free download)
   A PDF with instructions and worksheets for a thorough 4th step. Straight from the Big Book. Fearlessness not included.

3. 12-Step Christianity (YouTube)
   My thoughts on the parallels between discipleship and sponsorship.

KEEP LEANING FORWARD

Cheers, Eamonn
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